Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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