Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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