I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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