Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
being pregnant is like rehab
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
