Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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