You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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