If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
