Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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