Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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