3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
