I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
This baby is an asshole
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
