i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
the liver wants what the liver wants
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
