You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
