I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
