seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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