oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
