What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
