Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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