Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
