I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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