I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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