turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
