yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize