we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
