I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
