Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
