Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize