the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
