I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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