I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
