good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
