He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
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