I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Randomize
