saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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