He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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