I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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