I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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