a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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