im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Randomize
