i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
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