omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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