I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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