Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
