we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
