I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i just sent this text using only my big toe
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
