Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
