I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just forgot I was standing up.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
