my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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