Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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