i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize