if you like me you must not know who I am
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
