well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
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