there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Randomize
