Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
