Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
