I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
