im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
