i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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