I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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