That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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