i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
